He Was Chasing Me Pt. 2
Here's a continuation of He Was Chasing Me Pt.1 -The Most Important Event of My Life
....I was filled with so much darkness, so much anger and pain at the age of 14. On the top bunk of our family dorm at the Salvation Army, I would hold my breath against a pillow and hope to die.
At the peak of my anger, hurt, and pain…resentment toward family members and toward life, it all changed when I met the man who was chasing me.
In high school, I portrayed the side of me that I only wanted people to see. I held a hard goth appearance on the outside, reflecting what was in my heart. Do you picture a depressed person with dark clothing and hair in their face? That's kinda what I was like! I listened to hard rock and emo music, trying to drown out my troubles and the temporary highs of marijuana and alcohol were enjoyable until its effect subsided, and I was faced with reality again.
There was a girl in my chemistry class, and she continually invited me to her church youth group. I repeatedly declined. I'd never been to a "youth group," and I sure wasn't about to go. Later in the school year, the same classmate invited me to a concert. I didn't have to pay for admission, and it was one of those emo-type bands I liked. I took advantage of the opportunity and went to the concert with her. After the show, I felt slightly guilty for taking advantage of someone I didn't care about. I felt like I should attend church with her because it would be "the nice thing to do." Fast forward, Katie and I became friends, and I finally decided to go.
My first time attending church with Katie was anything but what I expected. This "youth group" was a separate night for just the teens, with very few adults besides the pastor and chaperones. In the past, I'd only been to church on the weekend in a corporate setting. I was surrounded by other kids my age who seemed to enjoy church. They were actually having fun. And it didn't involve alcohol, weed, or getting into trouble. Was this possible? And at this point in my life, I hadn't been to church for a long time except at the Salvation Army occasionally, with other homeless people---it was BORING.
At youth group, they played ping pong and other icebreaker games. There were free giveaways. I once won a CD, and it was a rock band I never heard of- Kutless. That was my first introduction to Christian rock. 😉
But I was MOST surprised by the short red-headed man, Kevin. Kevin was the youth pastor. I was used to adults scorning at my pierced lip, ripped jeans, and dark attire. I was used to immediate glances of judgment and disapproval from adults. I had a rebellious and disrespectful heart toward ANY authority figure and wasn't sure what to think about Kevin. His kindness toward me shocked me the first night I met him! Kevin had a bubbly personality, and he was full of enthusiasm. He greeted me excitedly and gave me a high-five, making me feel noticed and welcome. He didn't do a double take about my appearance, and from the first moment I met him, I sensed an acceptance and love permeating from him that I hadn't felt before.
Everything about attending church this time was different and new to me. The churches I had attended before seemed so "dead" and dull, yet this church was full of life. Most of all I felt something deep inside of me I hadn't felt before. This feeling attracted me to want to go back.
I kept attending church with Katie. Kevin was impressive. He sang and played the keyboard with others during worship, but sometimes by himself. He seemed to give his ALL every-single-time. I didn't know how he did it! He would play the keyboard and sing until sweat poured off his brow! He would even do a Michael Jackson-type spin during worship-it was a sight-I didn't know pastors did that. Then when I thought he might be too exhausted from his energetic worship, he would preach so passionately as it was the last message he was going to preach! I never saw someone talk about Jesus like that!
Initially, I was attracted to the games at church and the free pizza they provided, but I felt something each time I went to youth group. It was the Holy Spirit! It was the power and presence of God. I encountered the person of Jesus in a real way! The Holy Spirit was softening my heart and drawing me to Himself. As I sat under Kevin's passionate preaching, the Word of God began to penetrate untouched places in my soul. I was rebellious, self-righteous, and full of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, and hatred. I committed far too many mistakes to list off, and I had little to no concern about this before. Once I started encountering the Holy Spirit and being in the presence of God-He gently showed me there was a better way. He pricked my heart, and I realized that something needed to change. That something was me!
I always believed that God was real, Jesus was real…but I was very far from Him. The Holy Spirit showed me that believing in Him was not enough. It was time to surrender my ways and LIVE for Him. Initially I felt like it was too difficult of a task to change my ways. But I continued to learn about the true gospel of Jesus. For some reason, my whole life I didn't know that I needed to be born again. Jesus' death on the cross gave me an opportunity to have a fresh start in life. A clean slate. That sounded too good to be true-but it WAS true. IT IS TRUE! Jesus' death was for the forgiveness of my sins and to give me a new life! After several visits to church and several times sitting under the Word of God, I decided I wasn't going to just believe in God but I was going to LIVE for Him! I surrendered my life to Jesus at 15 and began to learn what it meant to have a relationship with Him! I was later baptized on Easter Sunday when I was 16.
I met the man who was chasing me. I met Love. Not any type of love. It was God's love-encompassed in a person named Jesus. Jesus' love looked past my failures into the soul of who I was truly called to be. God used Kevin to draw me close to Jesus. And although God used Kevin in very instrumental ways to lead me to Jesus. There were so many more people who were instrumental. I've heard it said that it usually takes about 5 times for someone to hear the gospel or be invited to church before they respond. In my case that was true. I am sure it was plenty more times than just five. But I say that to say that God was chasing me down when I didn't even know it. God was chasing me when I went to that concert. God was chasing me when I only went to church for the pizza. God was chasing me when I was crying alone at night with my face against the pillow. He was chasing me even when I was doing drugs and drinking…. In all of my sin. Just as Good Shepherd is willing to leave his 99 sheep to go after the one that's astray. God chased after me and showed me how personal He is. But when He got close enough I ran to Him!!!
After I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior I can't begin to express how much I was transformed. I had a new hope for life. My heart softened and I felt like Christ would wash me daily and heal me. The hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness left me. I truly became a new creation and I began to learn my true identity. But everything didn't change immediately. I had habits and struggles that I would have to ask the Holy Spirit to help me with daily. I developed a hunger to read God's Word and learn more about Him. I continually prayed for God to change my desires and to wash me clean. He would continually forgive me as I repented. When I felt tempted to slip into my old ways of drinking or doing drugs, the conviction in my heart wouldn't go away. My relationship with my mom improved as I sought forgiveness from her for my rebellious ways. But even that being said my home life didn't dramatically change. I was the changed one but I still had difficult things to face. Asking for forgiveness was the easy thing to do, but obedience to God's voice was even harder. He told me I needed to make restitution for the wrongs I had committed. One of the things He had me do was apologize to all the stores I stole from. I couldn't return the clothes I stole because I didn't have them anymore but I felt convicted to write a letter of apology. Thankfully the stores didn't press charges against me. But some of those moments were the most God-fearing steps of faith I had to take to be obedient to God and right my wrongs.
As my relationship with Christ deepened I learned to lay down my ways and fully surrender. Jesus said if any man wants to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. It was toward the end of my Sophomore year that I knew I needed to cut ties with the friendships I had. I had a group of around 9-12 friends who I partied with, ate lunch at school with ect. At first I tried to follow Jesus and stay friends with them but after becoming a changed person, their interests were no longer mine. I am happy to say that one friend decided to follow Jesus with me and she even attended church with me on several occasions. My church surrounded me with people that became like family. They were a support system to me that I never had before. And shortly after my salvation, my youth pastor's brother-in-law took over as the new youth pastor. He and his wife lovingly came alongside and helped disciple me in my walk with God. There is so much more to share about my walk with Christ. I laid down my whole life and future and devoted my will to God in exchange for His.
I continue to live every day in awe of where Jesus has led me as I've followed Him. He's delivered me and set me free! He's blessed me beyond anything I could've imagined. As he's broken off generational curses from my life and healed my heart! There's has been tremendous grace poured out over my life. He's restored broken places and relationships. He's healed and delivered my mom! He's reunited me to my father! God has blessed me with an incredible God-fearing husband and a beautiful family. Many people would never suspect these things of my past if they looked at my life today-but that's because I am a new creation! That's the power of the blood of Jesus! But I will never forget where I've come from! And I will never stop sharing. Not because I glory in the sin of my past, but if I don't share how deep my pit was, people will never know how long God's hand of mercy and forgiveness is! He's chasing after you!!
I want to encourage you that if you've never had a personal relationship with Jesus, today can be the day! Perhaps like me, you believe He is real but you're not living for Him like you know you should or could. Were you raised in a religious setting as I was, but never made the connection with God's heart? Today can be the day for that to change! My life was never genuinely changed until I had an encounter with the person Jesus-not an encounter with religion! Have you ever felt the love of God? I pray that you have felt Him as you've read through my HIStory.
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